I still cry.

A few more days to a year. I know some people might not be fully aware of the whole story but maybe, in a way, it's for the better. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. Everything feels as is it's not for real. I wish it weren't for real. I hate the fact that it still gets to me, that it still bugs me. The way I get so uncomfortable when people ask me about it. I hate that they feel sorry. I hate that they know. I wish they didn't. I wish I didn't have to explain. I don't even know why I tell people, why I let them know. It sickens me. I feel stupid and ashamed and demented for allowing others to know. All this seriously feels like a lie. It feels like I'm living a lie. I just want to move on and be happy. But no matter how hard I try and how persuasive I am to myself, it still comes back. And all at once. One after the other people bring it up. As if to remind me of that day, whenever I actually do feel happy or whenever life seems to be falling back into place. I resent it. I've tried so hard to just block it out. Bit by bit, I put all the little glass shards in a bowl, but it gets tipped over and I'm stepping on them with my bare feet. Yeah, I know - OUCH. I know it's a stupid thing to be writing this now, but this is where I can confide. With an additional perk that people don't have the heart to ask if they read it. I can share without having to break down infront of someone. I HATE looking weak. I am not weak. The last thing I need is for someone to see me in that manner. It's disgusting. The worst part is that I really did fall in love. I felt loved. I was loved. And I know that I am loved now. God, I know how much the people around me love and look out for me. But this was a whole new way and perspective. It was a new meaning. A new life and way of living. Now it's gone. Even though I know things happen for a reason, that when God takes one good thing from us, he returns twice as much back, It still hurts. And so so so badly, I honestly cannot find the words to describe and explain it. It's not that I'm ungrateful for the blessings that are in my life now, I love and cherish them with all my heart. I just still cry.