The whole town came :)

It's my gong-gong's birthday today. Squished between each other, we filled three whole tables. All of us separated by age group ofcourse - Babies, Kids and Old people. HAHA. Our family is so huge it felt as if the whole town came to celebrate with us. :p The food was OK, but I think overall, we had a real good time with each other. The air was filled with laughter and REALY noisy chattering. You could hear some karaoke shit going on in the section beside ours, but it's being muffled by all of our three tables. Haha.

Modeling for Calvin Klein. :p

Looking for a FRESH FACE? :p He's got the looks, style and attitude, baby. HAHA.











P.S. These were all candid btw. And taken with my cellphone's camera. Not bad eyh? :D

BLOCKED. O.O

It's 8 am and people keep calling me. I'm trying to sleep, I didn't get any the night before last. I hear my phone constantly ringing, texts coming in. Once the noise has died down, I check my texts, barely being able to open my eyes. I scroll down to the very first one. It's baby :) It wasn't a very long text but he managed to cramp in five I love yous. Hehe. I try calling back but my number was barred. -.-" Along with everyone else's in the house. GAH.

He's all the way in Ipoh and I'm crazy missing him now. I went back to sleep only to have a bad dream of eating cookie monster cookies wrapped in edible cloth while he ignored me the whole day :s Talk about getting hurt right? I heard my phone ringing again, I checked it and it was baby. I didn;t wna pick up cos I wanted to merajuk, but the I realized that I was only dreaming before. HAHA. Guess what the giveaway was? - Edible cloth :p We talked for abit, but I still miss him :(

Use somebody.

I know I might not have been the most popular girl in school, and that I might not have that many friends, but the handful that I keep, I keep close to my heart. It's breaking my heart to know that some of these friends are hurting. It's excruciatingly painful to know that they now feel what you have felt before. Infact every human should be able to relate to this. The agony over something someone has said or the loneliness we feel when someone has left us. The worst part about having these feelings is that we ALWAYS feel alone. Regardless of whether we are or not, we feel SO alone. It isn't as if your mission is to make others pity you, or that you're just saying that so people notice (LOA), but we just feel alone, empty, vulnerable. It's just inevitable.

It is at these moments, no matter how hard we believe it to be, we HAVE to realize that we are surrounded by people that love us 24-7. They care and worry about us. I know for a fact that the people I love would be there for me when I need them, they'd piss and crap on everything and everyone that has done anything ill hearted toward me. I'd gladly do the same thing for them a hundred times if I had to. And even if you look around, and you seriously see NO ONE infront of you, I'd be there behind you if ever you fall. I might not be alot, but I'm always there. My love toward you cannot be compared with the number of friends that you have.

"I've been roaming around,
Always lookin' down at all I see,
Painted faces do the paces I can't reach,
You know that I could use somebody,
You know that I could use somebody"
-Kings of Leon-

Where'd you go? I miss you so.

"What are you tired about?"

"Everything."

"It can't beee everything, what??"

"Just everything."

"Whyy are you tired?"

"I just am."

"I've got to leave in a minute."

"Ok.."

"Ok."

It's just one of those days. Idk why but it feels like i've got a whole platoon of soldiers piling ontop of my shoulders. He sounds irritated at the way I am. I can't help it. It's just a part of me that was there for as long as I can remember. I hate sounding whiny though. I know I should stop but I keep going. I'm tired. Just tired. What don't you get? Why must there be a why? Can't I just be tired? These are the times where I wish so badly to go back in time. Not to correct any mistakes (no regrets), but to just feel better. Better when I felt tired. Back when he wouldn't ask why or what. He wouldn't have asked at all. He supported and loved and felt tired as I did. He hated the world just cos I hated it. He cried just cos I cried. He cussed and bitched and backed me up all the way just cos I did. He didn't need any inquiry cos he knew that all I needed was him. And after ALL that fuss of me getting worked up. I'd know it was for nothing. I'd know how silly it was and how silly I was for being tired and getting upset in the first damn place. There were no tones of irritation or frustration in his voice all the while. All the crying and moping and EGH-ing to him. He still backed me up. And I felt better. I felt good. I felt stupid, yes, but he didn't think I was and I felt ,knew and trusted that he didn't. Cos in his mind I knew that all he wanted to do was to make me feel better. Where did that boy go? :(

One or two?

I use to be colour blind. I didn't care about sly comments about race or religion. You'd think growing up in a country like ours, people would understand. It didn't matter which and what family we came from and who our grandfathers were. All I knew was that we were all born and bred to love one another and to put our differences aside. That bridge that we built is now burning down, and it's burning oh so very slowly. People now treat you as if you are incompetent of understanding just because you are of a different person on the outside. They make remarks which are hurtful and cut you out because they find as if your opinion is not a valid point - How would weee know, RIGHT? This anger that I feel inside, I know it isn't healthy. It took me a damn long time to realize that this "unity" that everyone speaks of does not exist. Maybe it did before and maybe it still does, but if it is, it definitely is depleting and dissolving into the air - making it thicker and harder for us to breathe. So what now? What do we do? Our world as we know it - is it one or two? I'm trying my best to not allow this to bug me. But sometimes when it happens, it comes to you like shards of metal from a bomb that has exploded. Idw to raise my children, and my childrens' children to live in a world where we are divided.

work.

So there's some pool tournament going on. Things are wayy livelier than usual over here. It's just one of the good days but it still seems boring. I can see young and old-ER customers. Haha. People circling the pool tables-some sitting, some standing as close as they can get. There's lots of movement today, but i'm still bored sitting behind the bar. To make things worse, there isn't any eye candy :( haha. Oh well.

In the morning.

I wake up and my eyes are swollen again. All I can think about is what went wrong last night. There's no point blaming either party cos it's just gna make things even more worse than it was to begin with. All we do is fight fight fight. I've had enough. I'm trying really hard to make things better. I'm want so badly for this to just stop and rewind back to when it was me and you against the world. The world that criticized all the things that we stood for, all the times when they said we were wrong just because it wasn't what they believed in. But we didn't care because it was us. I miss how I use to smile for no reason. I miss waking up in the morning, feeling that I can do anything cos you're already out there waiting for me. I love you so so so much that the thought of losing you makes me want to drop down and die right then and there. I know that I've done mistakes. And I'm trying to fix them. And I know that you're doing the same too, but difference is that I know where my flaws start and end. You just blame yourself blindly. Baby I can't handle getting hurt anymore. I pasted all the pieces back with you. I can't have you ripping it back to shreds after everything.

For mama.

Mommy,
I'm sorry for the things that I've done to make you cry. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I promise you that I never meant to. All the times when I yelled back was because I was angry. I know it was wrong of me and I honestly didn't mean to. I wish I could take it all back and I'll do everything in my power to make you feel better.

Mama,
All the times where I wished you weren't here, I take it back. I'm sorry for all the sins that we've passed to you. We never understood and cared. I wish I could erase them. I would've been a better person if I knew it was for you.

Mama,
Thank you for loving me and caring for me. Thank you for showing us how much we all can't live without each other. Thank you for showing me that I am never alone. For giving me guidence and forgiving me when I have done wrong upon you. Thank you for protecting me and shielding me from the things that I couldn't handle. And thank you for pushing me when I refused to be the best at what I do.

Mommy,
You are my friend. My reason. My answer.

I love you.

Prom King.

JULY 2008. "GAH, it's that really cute boy again. Crap Daniel and Scott are gna say something mean. Act cool, act cool. Man, he's not looking. Ok, smile at his friend, don't be rude :p We're passing, the boys didn't say anything. GOOD. Oh God, I really wna look back at him. He's totally out of my league. He's Prom King, I'm just the girl that he passes by."


AUGUST 2009. We're writting notes when we're right infront of each other. My parents are around. Don't get too shmooshy.

" Beautiful, I love you. You make me happy too :)"

"Sexy Beast you (HAHA). I love you too. I wish you didn't have to go"

"Beautiful, I wish you were portable. That way I can bring you wherever I go"

"Sexy Beast you (Ima stick with that :p). I know. Then I can follow you home. Idw you to go"

"Baby I have to leave in a minute :("

"I know. :( Baby please promise to drive carefully?"

"Ok, baby. I promise. Happy four month anniversary again! :D"

"Hehee. :D Happy four month anniversary too! I love you"

"I love you too :)"

When we get to 4 months :D

When we get to four months, we act like idiots and take pictures to show the whole world. HAHA :DD

Dearest Santa, I've been a good girl this year. :D

BBF (Blackbird fly).
Diana F. I want! She's so purdyy :3
Mini Diana F. HAHA
Fisheye 2 with coloured flash rings.
Fisheye 2. (original)

I still cry.

A few more days to a year. I know some people might not be fully aware of the whole story but maybe, in a way, it's for the better. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. Everything feels as is it's not for real. I wish it weren't for real. I hate the fact that it still gets to me, that it still bugs me. The way I get so uncomfortable when people ask me about it. I hate that they feel sorry. I hate that they know. I wish they didn't. I wish I didn't have to explain. I don't even know why I tell people, why I let them know. It sickens me. I feel stupid and ashamed and demented for allowing others to know. All this seriously feels like a lie. It feels like I'm living a lie. I just want to move on and be happy. But no matter how hard I try and how persuasive I am to myself, it still comes back. And all at once. One after the other people bring it up. As if to remind me of that day, whenever I actually do feel happy or whenever life seems to be falling back into place. I resent it. I've tried so hard to just block it out. Bit by bit, I put all the little glass shards in a bowl, but it gets tipped over and I'm stepping on them with my bare feet. Yeah, I know - OUCH. I know it's a stupid thing to be writing this now, but this is where I can confide. With an additional perk that people don't have the heart to ask if they read it. I can share without having to break down infront of someone. I HATE looking weak. I am not weak. The last thing I need is for someone to see me in that manner. It's disgusting. The worst part is that I really did fall in love. I felt loved. I was loved. And I know that I am loved now. God, I know how much the people around me love and look out for me. But this was a whole new way and perspective. It was a new meaning. A new life and way of living. Now it's gone. Even though I know things happen for a reason, that when God takes one good thing from us, he returns twice as much back, It still hurts. And so so so badly, I honestly cannot find the words to describe and explain it. It's not that I'm ungrateful for the blessings that are in my life now, I love and cherish them with all my heart. I just still cry.