3 months I still wonder

Don't get me wrong. He is the best thing that finally worked out. But sometimes I can't help but wonder. What if I was still with the first instead of the second. What if I tried harder? I know I should be grateful that God has graced me now with such a wonderful gift that I love and and will forever cherish. I am aware, though I still can't help but resent why He never listened when I prayed for things to not go wrong before.

Then again maybe He was listening and decided to spare me from all the heartache. But still I hurt. I feel every bit of it when I'm alone or trying to fall asleep. It's not the last thing on my mind, it really isn't, but it's still there. I try so hard not to think about it. It drains me. All this seems so unfair to the person that I love now. He doesn't deserve all this bullshit. And there are times where I believe that I'm not worthy to be with someone so perfect. Infact, I am not worthy of being with him. I know, humans are never perfect, but with him, his imperfections are perfectly imperfect. You can't help but love them and him more by the second. I feel guilty, I know I shouldn't be having thoughts of all this - what with today being a special date. But in all honesty, I still wonder.