Pictures of you.

Yeah, they're not of me.

Balloons and sunshine :D

Haha. I was so tired from work. I just wanted to check my mail and go to bed. But then I started taking pictures of myself and the balloons cos I noticed they were starting to shrink and get dull. Now I don't think I can sleep :p GRR. I'm already not feeling well as it is :(

Forgive and forget?

Forgive and forget. I don't truly understand the whole concept. How do you forget about something just like that? What if someone did something really mean or endangered your life on purpose. How do you forgive and forget?

If someone has done wrong upon you and they don't say they're sorry, how do you forgive? I mean people always say, "be the bigger person and just let it go". How do you let it go when you know that that certain person who hurt you shows no sign of remorse whatsoever? Think about it. If we were to forgive the person when he still hasn't said he was sorry, then we would seem big headed and egoistic, as if already expecting an apology. But the again, if we do not forgive and forget, people would start thinking of us as someone who is petty and maybe even vindictive toward the wrong doer. Right?

So what is accepted in our community now? Do we really have to forgive and forget in fear of what other people think of us? Come to think about it, why should we forgive and forget something and someone just cause other people say so? I think being able to "man" up to the situation takes time. We are only human. Forgiving and forgetting about something that hurt you isn't as easy as it seems. We should do it at our own pace. And it is our choice to whether we believe that the person deserves to be forgiven. Well that's my perspective anyways. And I strongly recommend that we run our lives the way we want it to go, as long as we put no one else in harm's way, ofcourse. Would you cave in to the perspective of other people? Forgive and forget?

What we do when we get bored :p

This is what we do when we get bored. Haha. He's supposed to be doing his homework, but instead, he's checking up facebook and IM-ing his friends. AAND me - When I'm right beside him -.-"

Paint me shades of blue.

"Blue is the colour that define's me best", that's what he said. And still,it's running through my mind. I've been having nothing but stingy thoughts and feelings on how much of a moron I was to have let something I made to believe was major end up getting in the way of him and I. I was clouded by the scorn and vindicity that I kept harvesting throughout myself the whole time. I couldn't realise what a biv I was for being so bloody blind and ignoran all while. I kept telling myself that I had to resolve things in order to make what he and I have a better thing. But boyy was I SO wrong. Not to mention I just jeapordised something special and so worthwhile. I made him feel little and under appreciated. Now I don't know how to make it up ti him. I feel so stupid and naive. I LOVE HIM, for God's sake. I mean after everything, he was the one that helped my glue back all the bits and pieces. And as cliche as that sounds, it's all true from the very depth of my sinful soul. Loving him seems as if it's not enough, but he has always and still does say that that's the only thing that he wants from me. My love and affection in return. I'm such a fool. How could I not have fully seen this boy infront of me? This boy that has been holding me by his fingertips as if I were to fall into a massive pit of self destruction. He's been there. And best of all, HE LOVES ME :) I can't explain how blessed I feel to have such a person introduced into my life. One can only hope that he forgives me one day for hurting him the way I did. I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm willing to admit it. His patience and kindness holds me up like how his arms do. His wit observes me like how his eyes do. His love, like his lips, tell a whole story that you wish would never end. :) So paint me shades of blue, all over me if you must.

For Muhammad Fawzan b. Sabirin <3

Dear Destiny.

So lots of things have been happening these past few days. You really can't help but wonder, was this the way things were supposed to go? People say that our destiny is set by God and that it can never be changed. I have to SERIOUSLY disagree with that statement. In my opinion, the large handful of people that believe that are the ones who sit on their asses and expect things to just work out on their own. We all believe that God has written our story for us. That it has been carefully thought over and drafted many times. But have you ever stopped and think for awhile that yes, God did write our story, but He might've also written many versions to it. Now whichever version we choose to star in is OUR very own choice as God cannot force us to make a decision based on what He wants. He can only guide us.

I was watching a movie just now, "My sassy girl" and right at the end of it there was a scene where an old man said "Destiny is the bridge we build to the ones we love". Also that we mould our own destinies. I'm not sure what I'm trying to get across here now. But I think that if you really wanted to change something, you could. It's whether you find it worthwhile or not. I guess I'm still just bitter about the past and everything and that I just wanted things back then to work out. But like the saying goes, you can't save your cake and eat it at the same time. :)

3 months I still wonder

Don't get me wrong. He is the best thing that finally worked out. But sometimes I can't help but wonder. What if I was still with the first instead of the second. What if I tried harder? I know I should be grateful that God has graced me now with such a wonderful gift that I love and and will forever cherish. I am aware, though I still can't help but resent why He never listened when I prayed for things to not go wrong before.

Then again maybe He was listening and decided to spare me from all the heartache. But still I hurt. I feel every bit of it when I'm alone or trying to fall asleep. It's not the last thing on my mind, it really isn't, but it's still there. I try so hard not to think about it. It drains me. All this seems so unfair to the person that I love now. He doesn't deserve all this bullshit. And there are times where I believe that I'm not worthy to be with someone so perfect. Infact, I am not worthy of being with him. I know, humans are never perfect, but with him, his imperfections are perfectly imperfect. You can't help but love them and him more by the second. I feel guilty, I know I shouldn't be having thoughts of all this - what with today being a special date. But in all honesty, I still wonder.

HAHA

I'm like, seriouslyy hornyyy. :p

Baby's all grown up.

He's only starting college tmrw but it feels like my own child is going for the very first day of school. I'm happy, excited, nervous and insecure all at once. It's seriously driving me mad. Especially the whole thing with the insecurity :( Maybe I bug too much about the timing and everything but I cant exactly help myself. I dooo wna spend time with him. And I am aware that seeing him everyday like we usually do won't exactly be an option anymore. I know he's trying to make an effort, I can tell. But sometimes I feel bad cos it seems like I'm forcing him to make me happy. Feel bad or be upset. Either way, it's unfair to him and I know. But again, I really can't help myself. I'm like, getting a bad case of paranoia as well. All these thoughts about other girls and stuffs. I'm not exactly the best looker of the bunch. :( GAH. I feel real silly.